I am sure that we have all heard those well meaning platitudes at one time or another... small Hallmark card snippets that are meant to uplift us and give us hope when people cannot think of something better to say and there are times when these little gems of wisdom do help us get through a trying moment.
There are also times when those little gems of "inspirational and motivational wisdom" are as welcome and wanted as a root canal with a plastic spork in the middle of a tax audit.
I will list off a few of the gems that make me want to chew tinfoil and after thoroughly exhausting my bile on them give a few alternative things that could be said in their place.
Get Busy Living or Get Busy Dying
This little gem is pulled out of the blue and tossed at people when empathy has left the building and the speaker thinks that the listener needs a little tough love and less self pity. Basically what this is saying is "stop complaining or die already because I am tired of hearing about it", or at least that is what the person being told this is hearing no matter how well meaning the speaker is.
When a person with a chronic health condition is told this it is a major slap in the face because the speaker has no clue how much that person is already fighting just for the smallest aspect of normalcy and the fact that they are there at all means that they battled to get there.
Want to encourage someone to never speak to you again... pull out these words because they will honestly believe that you do not care about them, how they are feeling emotionally, physically or spiritually and will be uncomfortable around you from that point on.
Things could be worse
You are right... things could be worse and thank you for reminding the person of that because now not only are they feeling rotten but they are feeling guilty that they feel rotten when things could be worse. Great job of belittling what is going on and helping us have a healthy dose of guilt for selfishly mentioning it.
My neighbors mothers cousins dog groomers niece had that and they cured it by eating avocados
That is nice... and here we are wasting our credit scores, life savings, dreams of home ownership and sanity wasting money on seeing Doctors and specialists who wasted all those years in medical school when all I need to do is track down this magical person and their magical avocado. Just think of all the money that can be saved... no more research into cures or treatments...
Basically you are saying that we are so stupid that we do not know that what we have can be cured by a simple thing that you heard about offhand years ago.
You need to just stop dwelling on it
Seriously????
Would you tell someone paralyzed from the waste down that all they need to do to walk is not think about it? How about telling a blind person that they could see their family if they just calmed down and took their mind off it for a while?
But you do not look sick
This one is a major one to those suffering from chronic and often invisible illness.
Those who suffer have to be actors to be out in society and have to try to hide what is going on... fake smiles are plastered on... jokes are said... nothing is taken seriously. Either we are great at hiding the pain and illness or you are blind and see only what you want to see.
I have to bite my tongue from replying to this gem "yeah, and you do not look like an idiot... guess we were both wrong".
You need to slow down and rest more
If all we ever did was slow down and rest when we had no energy or were feeling bad we would never leave the bed and eventually would have to have our pillows surgically removed from our cheek.
It is well meaning, and we know where it is coming from, but when we push ourselves to get something done or want to battle to have some kind of life and hear this it causes anger. We want to be normal... we want to do things... we want to do "something". We know we will pay for it... (we do not need the "I told you so's" at that time, either) but we desperately want to have a part in life beyond 'this'.
*****
Now comes the things that you can say or do differently...
- Instead of saying "get busy living or get busy dying" you can say something like "I know that making plans can be hard because you never know how you will feel from one moment to the next, but they next time you feel like venturing out give me a call and we can go do something fun". You want them to get out there and live life and that is great... just try to do it in a way that both of you can enjoy.
- Instead of saying "things could be worse" when they complain or vent about something, let them just vent. It is important to be able to get that emotional garbage out and to release those feelings so that they can move beyond the moment. They feel invisible as it is and it helps them to know that they are "seen" as well as heard. They do not want you to fix them or fix the situation, just to acknowledge that there is one to begin with.
- Unless you can cite medical reviews and reports from reputable sources (like the NIH.GOV website) please refrain from trying to give 'hope' by passing on some urban legend of a cure that you heard about some obscure place. Believe me when I say that those suffering from chronic illness tend to follow any developing news about their condition and know what is out there. If there was a way to cure it with avocados, honey, salt or a cucumber diet they would have done so long ago.
- Instead of saying "you need to just stop dwelling on it" try to understand that they can never escape what is going on in their body. When you leave them you can go home to your life, you can forget about it as you clean the house or shop or help with homework or put in a full day at work. They can never leave their body and the symptoms are with them 24/7 affecting every aspect of their lives and every decision they make. Imagine having someone poke you in the side every time you eat or drink anything... even if it was not painful at first it would grow painful over time and you would come to dread eating or drinking anything. You would either be in discomfort from the last time you ate or worried that you have to eat again soon... and you have to eat and drink because without it you will die. You tell yourself you will get 'used to it', but it is always on your mind. You avoid eating or drinking around others because the pokes make you wince and they ask questions and when you try to explain they just do not understand. This is what it is like to have a chronic condition... it is always there and just because others cannot see it happening does not mean that it isn't.
- Instead of saying "but you do not look sick" you can say "I do not know how you are able to deal with what you do and still get so much done". Is this basically saying the same thing? Yes... but is is saying it in a way that is supportive and tells the person that you see them and what they are going through and respect their strength.
- Instead of saying "you need to slow down and rest more" you could ask what you could do to make what they are doing at the time easier. They are trying to get something done, and it is taking an obvious effort... they may be exhausted after it is done and need a long time to recover but they are proud of the fact that they battled through to get something done that either needed to be done or that they wanted to get done. They might take you up on your offer to help or they might not... but no matter what they do you should never tell them afterwards when they are recovering from it "I told you that you were over-doing it" because in those few words you have just taken their victory away from them. You would never tell a marathon runner that just won the race "you should have walked most of it... you would not have muscle cramps and blisters if you had" because you see what they did as a victory. Let us have our victories as well.
Many times it is not what is being said so much as how it is being said that can make all the difference in the world.
